1000 Very funny quotes about life

1000 Very funny quotes about life


Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. Charles Bukowski Click to tweet

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. Kurt Vonnegut

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles Schulz

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. Mark Twain

If life is a video game, the graphics are great, but the plot is confusing and the tutorial is way too long. Elon Musk

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. William Goldman

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford

I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde

The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin Click to tweet

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin

I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert A Heinlein

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quotes About Bettering Yourself

1. “I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” —Unknown

2. “I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience.” —Unknown

3. “You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not an avocado.” —Unknown

4. “Embrace the glorious mess that you are.” —Elizabeth Gilbert

5. “Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.” —Unknown

6. “I am presently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour.” —Unknown

7. “I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life. —Unknown

8. “Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.” —Unknown

9. “I won’t quit but I will cuss the whole time.” —Unknown

10. “If at first you don’t succeed, fix your ponytail, and try again.” —Unknown

11. “Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.” —Unknown

12. “I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.” —Unknown

13. “If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.” —Unknown

14. “Please cancel my subscription to your issues.” —Unknown

15. “If size really mattered, the elephant would be the king of the jungle.” —Unknown

16. “‘You attract what you fear.’ Oh my God, I’m scared of $10.6 Billion.” —Unknown

17. “When life puts you in tough situations, don’t say why me? Just say try me!” —Unknown

18. “If you stumble, make it part of the dance.” —Unknown

Funny Quotes About Life’s Ups and Downs

19. “Every time you are able to find humor in a difficult situation, you win.” —Unknown

20. “One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re the toast.” —Unknown

21. “Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.” —Unknown

22. “Life status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.” —Unknown

23. “Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.” —Unknown

24. “If you fall, I’ll be there.” —Floor

25. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” —Unknown

26. “Story of my life: I knew better but I did it anyway.” —Unknown

Short Funny Quotes About Life

27. “It will never be perfect. Make it work.” —Life

28. “Just wing it. Life, eyeliner, everything.” —Unknown

29. “Hold on, I’ve gotta overthink about it.” —Unknown

30. “My alone time is sometimes for your safety.” —Unknown

31. “Life is too short for fake butter, cheese, or people.” —Unknown

32. “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” —Stephen Hawking

33. “A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.” —Unknown

34. “My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.” —Unknown

35. “Dear Life: will you at least start using lube?” —Unknown

36. “Be happy, it drives people crazy.” —Unknown

Funny Phrases & Sayings About Life

37. “Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. Its called balance.” —Unknown​

38. “Live your life. Take chances. Be crazy. Don’t wait. Because right now is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll be ever again.” —Unknown

39. “The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant.” —Unknown

40. “I never knew a single noise could actually drive a person insane, but then I had kids and realized all things really are possible.” —Unknown

41. “And then I thought to myself, ‘what’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?'” —Unknown

42. “No matter how big a hammer you use, you can’t pound common sense into stupid people.” —Unknown​

43. “Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.” —Unknown

44. “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. —Reba McEntire

45. “Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blow of life.” —Unknown

46. “You can’t be sad when you’re holding a cupcake.” —Unknown

47. “Life is a one time offer, use it well.” —Unknown

48. “Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.” —Unknown49. “Don’t be sad, because sad spelled backwards is das, and das not good.” —Unknown

50. “Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.” —Unknown​

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